If you’ve had a conversation with me, you’ve probably seen that my eyes look a little more empty than before. I’m not here to make you feel sorry for me, I’m just here to talk. Because I’ve never felt more like giving up, in my life. I’ve never asked myself “Is this worth it?” or “What’s the point of life, anyway?” so much. I’ve never been afraid to step out of my own house or comfort zone, in the way I have for the last six months. Almost Agoraphobic, I would say.
I feel like I am afraid to live my life and do the things I’ve always planned. I am terrified I will never make it to the next step.
I’ve always been the person that told everybody to runaway and start over if that’s what they want. I say it from experience. It’s the most freeing feeling to go wherever you want and to do whatever you want. Why restrict yourself to one thing or place? So why am I afraid of doing it? Why do I want to give up and lie down with a white flag? “Gods, you won. I can’t handle it, anymore. I’m unhappy and in pain, this isn’t worth it. I surrender,” Why am I admiring every person near me that’s fighting to keep going, but not trying to push forward, myself?
My biggest mistake, though? Not talking. I keep quiet until I lose it. I’m working on it, I try really hard to communicate in the moment, but I freeze anytime I’m uncomfortable. I shrug it off. I pretend that my own discomfort doesn’t matter.
The biggest two lessons I’m coming to learn are: 1) Nothing and nobody is promised. 2) You’re the only one that can love you the right way.