Yesterday, I turned twenty-three years old. Loneliest day of my life. Yes, I had company, and I appreciate all the love and wishes; but there’s no explaining the emptiness I felt.
The memories you have given me will always repeat through my mind. Everything we experienced together in our few years. How could you just leave me alone like this?
I think of our first date, often.. You’d laugh in my face if you heard me calling it a date.. We drove around Meridian, high as hell, talking for hours, cuddling in the back of the car (soon to be our car..). You mentioned my scars, unfortunately fresher than I cared to admit to the new, cute server; and when I got kind of quiet, you took my hand and brought it to the back of our head, guiding it to the main scar.. From that horrifying day in New York, when you were a baby. You held my hand, talked about music and why you listen to every song that you played.. Then we drove. Drove for hours. HOURS. Holy shit. (We joked about “Living fast, but dying faster,”)
I sang for you that night. A lot. I still have most of that playlist. But mainly, “Closer” by The Chainsmokers and Halsey.. (I recently reread our vows, and you said “That was it. You had me hooked. I fell for you as you belted out that chorus,”) We’d always listen and sing it together, after that first night. I never understood why until you spoke your vows to me.
But I have nearly a year of memories to cover before I reminisce our wedding day. If I do. Because just writing this is painful enough. But I need some sort of release.
I miss holding your hand and singing with you.. I hope you hear me singing “You Are My Sunshine”, where ever you are.
I love you, Josh.
I guess I just need to say things for awhile and not have anybody respond. I appreciate love and condolences and prayer. I appreciate all of you that message me.. But I lost my person, and I’m not asking anybody to apologize or talk to me. Please just let me grieve in my own ways. I’m just trying to staying afloat.