Hey y’all, hope this post is finding you well.

My birthday is coming up, soon. It’s funny I hated my birthday before I met Josh. But after we met, he taught me to celebrate it like there wouldn’t be another. Now, I know why he pushed it.

We used to buy bottles of cheap wine and vodka, roll a couple joints, and just go on the town. (Mostly downtown Boise so we could play Pokemon Go! together.) Get our free coffee from all of the Dutch Bros stands, and free shots at the bars.. Josh taught me how to have a good time on my birthday, and to not work it every year.

Last year, I spent my first birthday weekend without Josh, in four years, with my good friend, Taig. He treated me to the King Richard’s Faire; blasted music on the drive, we got day drunk and had a party there. We adventured around New England after, just because I didn’t want to go home, where I felt the most alone. But back in April, Taig passed on to the spirit realm, as well. We weren’t as close when it happened, but it still stabbed my heart like a knife.

This year, I’m turning 24, and I don’t want to celebrate. I don’t admit this to anybody, so posting it on a public site is taking a lot courage, but I’m scared of the year that’s coming. I’m scared to continue to live my life, and I have never felt this way before.

The week after my birthday, I’ll be headed on the cross-country road trip back to my hometown. I have to be honest, guys. I’m not excited to go back. I’m really unhappy that I currently don’t have the choice that I once did, to go where ever I want to. I feel lost, and it seems like the universe is forcing me to go back and relive the worst moments of my life (the best, too..but even reliving the best gets bad, at a point.)

Going back to Idaho, it makes me feel like a failure. Even though I know I’m not, I feel like I am. Boise is where I lost my family, and that’s just the sentence that comes to mind when I think about it.

I’m not sure why I keep getting pushed back to where I started, but I do, and it’s driving me crazy.